As 2018 closes up and 2019 begins, so comes the contemplation of another year past. The thoughtful action comes up like a thief in the night, catching us all seemingly unawares. The holiday season seems to be a distraction from the impending deadline through the merriment of of the cold season. Family, what we are reminded through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve (to those of us blessed with such closeness), can prevent us from having the lonely moments of internal critique. Though a wonderful time, the days preceding the arrival of a new year can block us from focusing on analysis.
Sometimes, this can be good. Sometimes, it isn’t.
I had no resolutions for 2018.
I have nothing to make note of, in terms of progress on goals. My 2018 was a vague call to “be better” or “feel better about myself”. Maybe just “exist”. Honestly, I didn’t think very much about it.
In the years before this, after several years of an earnest drive to make progress on self, I had gained some things. I graduated from high school over two years ago now, going into a wonderful university and surrounding myself with similarly driven attitudes. But, I didn’t do well. Technically, I have a better GPA than my major average, but it feels so low in comparison to my close friends. I’m involved in several on campus organizations. I work. That looks like a lot, under objective analysis. I have a decent resume.
However, for the past two years (since being at Berkeley), I haven’t been able to shake the feeling of stagnation. I feel stagnant. (It’s an ugly word, I think.)
I’ve gained some peace, very recently. I’ve returned to a lot of my pre-Berkeley attitude while allowing room for a lot of post-independence experiences. I value reading, painting, relationships more — but through the lens of someone who recognizes how small she is still. I’m working with the idea to change. With that being said.
To myself, in 2019.
Recognizing that I can only feel successful when I work on things that are important to me,
Understanding that I am a strange person and embracing different standards for myself,
Prioritizing : God, relationships, creativity, productivity, and wholesomeness,
1. Pursue progress little by little, day to day. I’ve been pursuing big goals of vague success for a long time. Recently, however, I’ve realized that I’m not at all excited by what I’ve accomplished. In contrast, I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything. I have this website and this blog, but I hardly write. I miss writing. I’ve tried my hand at it a little bit more after getting more free time, but I feel so out of practice. I don’t feel as good. I feel capable without feeling like I can follow through. Even a little writing every day, even a little time of quiet contemplation. Even signing out of social media accounts (I quit Snapchat last year) or pursuing a more content-centric presence.
A. Read everyday. Anything — bible, books, articles.
B. Draw everyday.
C. Work everyday.
2. Take my projects more seriously. In this past month, or so, I’ve already changed this website to be more project oriented. I won’t deny that I’m unfocused, professionally. I can’t decide if I want to move into public policy for my career, participate in the design industry (although the awful gatekeeping of veterans has pushed me away), go into tech with UI/UX, continue with academic research… honestly, I wish I could just be myself and do it all. In the end, I feel driven by projects. I know I would thrive in project management, in terms of a role, but I don’t have any idea what industry I would do it in. It makes sense to continue working in sustainability-focused companies, since that’s where my past experience is. But, I’m not sure. In that sense, I’m directionless. I think, for me, it would be best to focus on my projects and let industries and companies decide if they want me.
3. Stop competing with other people. Maybe even with myself. This is a difficult thing for me. The bolded sentences of this section are grammatically irksome, for one (if you don’t get this point, it’s fine). I’ve organized this kind of as I would a resolution in Model UN — it’s a theme with me — but it’s so, so, so bad. A lot of this blog post is the flow of consciousness. I would grade this badly in a competition. But it’s not a competition. I don’t want to let a drive to be better than everyone else, or a drive to beat myself, distract me from actually doing things. I’ve found myself preferring doing nothing over doing something worse than other people. I’d rather not practice a math problem than get it wrong.
This mindset is self-defeating. I’d like to write on it more, sometime. But, look, my previous post on this blog portion was several months ago (the one about procrastination). I haven’t published anything since. I have drafts. I always have drafts. I have so many things I’m working on. Few of my projects have ever seen the light of day or computers. I like my projects. I want to publish them. They don’t have to be perfect for them to be out there. In the end, my unhappiness with my work becomes an excuse to lazily state that I’m not good enough, rather than make my work better day to day. While perhaps this point makes a generalization that isn’t entirely valid, it’s definitely a trend when it comes to my actions and my projects. I desperately want to change.
4. Read more books. (As mentioned above, just vaguely.) I did, at some point this year, make a bookmark with space for 30 books to read. The list isn’t currently accessible to me, but I didn’t make much progress. Perhaps I read 10, 15 books? Most fiction. Some were difficult. (I didn’t count school books though! Just pleasure reading. If I counted books for school, I would definitely be over the 30 mark.) This year, I will read more. I want to read the bible more, and maybe more nonfiction. In other words, I’d like to expand the range. I think the first book this year I read was Good Omens. The last book was 1984. I’m out of the loop for more current publications and, as someone who once dreamed of being a writer and maybe still does, this is a little sad. I want to at least hit the 30 book mark this year.
5. Generally — finally — be better. This is straightforward, I guess. I manipulate people a bit. I also cite the truth that is most convenient to me in order to win arguments. I love having arguments (sorry family and boyfriend). I’d like to be more honest. Sometimes, the more honest thing to do is to give in. Honesty does not equal being right. Being better can be letting go. Being better can be being good. I haven’t been volunteering recently. I’d like volunteer again, like I used to in high school, since it was once a very integral part of who I was.
So, 2019.
Five, I believe, is enough for now. Yes, there are smaller goals in them. But, I’ll keep it simple and stick to the themes. The important things, here, are those little steps for every day. A new year marks 365 opportunities to take at least one step forward each day. At the end of the year, even those small steps can put me 365 steps ahead of where I am now. Another year marks a multitude of potential. It’s scary but exciting.
I have to go. My family is calling. By the time I’m sitting at my computer again, it’ll be the new year.
For now, good bye 2018.