Why I Procrastinate on my Essays

I have to write a lot of essays for school. I just do. I choose to study classes where there's a lot of reading and writing because I love reading and writing about things that I love.

But: if I love reading and writing essays, why do I procrastinate?

Let me first explain how I procrastinate.

Yes, they were all due in the evenings so I had all day to work on them. And yes, I'm aware of that these all got turned in right before they were due - a minute before they were due. In fact, I'm kind of proud that I went three-for-three right in a row for the same class.

My approach to procrastination is bold, to say the least.

(You're impressed too.)

No matter how I feel about it, the question I always get asked - after a moment or so of stunned silence for those who don't know me too well - is: "Why do you do this to yourself?"

My typical answer is really quick and simple: "I like the rush."

I live for that continuous and blissful mode of pure, unconscious focus that comes in the 2-3 hours before a deadline. It's honestly addicting. Even though there are a couple moments of crazy stress and pressure, the sense of pride that comes after you turn in five page essay that was written in two hours? That 15 page paper you finished in four? Better than any blog post that takes me two days to write.

(In the case of this post, it stayed as a draft for exactly a month.)

It's amazing what the human mind is capable of doing under pressure. The experience of the practice is more exhilarating than any action movie might be.

Yes, there are some casualties: papers that could be better, people who get offended at your isolation mode (sorry mom), pressures of time that you know were technically wasted, etc. etc.. But, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I only do this for essays that are due for school. In high school, I used to do it for position papers (think research papers but for Model United Nations competitions), something I think trained me best for college. Honestly, I do my best writing in limited timeframes.

There is another layer to why I procrastinate on my essays, and this side of it has a little bit more to do with the mindset I apply to my life.

If I have too much time and start too early, I write a first draft, which upon pursuing a second draft I throw out altogether. I'm never happy with what I write, so using more time to potentially perfect it would be a waste of resources.

Procrastinating on my essays has been synonymous with letting go, getting things done, mentally accepting that the words I write will not be perfect.

If I don't have a due date, I work for a perfection that I know will never come.

This lesson has been learned through years of self-inspection under many different circumstances. My hope is that, some day, I will be content with my work and can call it finished even when there is no due date to cut it off at. I'd like to finally feel at peace with imperfection. I want to be able to say "This could be better, but I'll publish it now. After hearing feedback from other people, I can return to it if I feel I can do significantly better. Until then, I will be happy."

Someday, my life will come to an end and I will not be able to do any more with it. Perhaps that is strange for anyone to think of so often, or for a mention in a seemingly casual blog post about procrastination, but I see it as connected.

I will do my best for now, enjoying my time, but I will be content with the failures I see along the way. There may not be the opportunity to return to back to it if I feel I can do significantly better, but perhaps I should focus on the rush of it all instead. When my due date has come, I'd like to call all the projects I wanted to do and all the words I wanted to say as "finished", even if it would still feel incomplete.

Even as I know I can be better, I understand it's a constant process and that the status of "better" is something that will always be left to be achieved.

Until then, I will be happy.