Being a lurker on the internet is such a passive activity. So much mindless consumption of social media, scrolling, and double-taps — all barely suggesting the slightest enjoyment of content.
But who am I to say?
I would say I’m authority on apathy. I’ve been reading Medium articles for God knows how long. I’ve been on Quora reading interesting answers to questions I didn’t think to ask. I see my friends posting pictures and links on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. but don’t personally do so on a regular basis. I guess I have a portfolio website/blog, but I pay the hosting fees and domain name costs without publishing much at all, if ever.
I don’t know if I’m too lazy to post content or if I’m too scared to.
When it comes to my relationship with the internet, do I get anything out of the content I consume? Do I just consume content because it distracts me from the aspirations I have to produce content? Do I even care?
What bothers me the most about how I am is that, when I was eleven, I was determined to live deliberately. Once upon a time, I filled composition notebooks with tales of my life, my concerns, my dreams, and — most importantly to me — my thoughts. I wanted to be a writer. I have record of my ambition through old notes for story ideas scattered throughout my bedroom. Conscious of all of those things now, I feel like a failure.
Internet publication is a medium by which we, as consumers, have more access to content and resources than ever before. As producing members of this fast-paced community, it’s also an opportunity to live out our dreams.
Honestly, I don’t mean to inspire you or myself by writing this.
I’m taking a page out of eleven year old me’s journals and writing this for myself. Before, when I said I wanted to be a writer, I wrote. A little later, if I said I wanted to be a painter, I painted. If, at the moment, I don’t know exactly what I want to do, I’ll make a space for myself to explore and think about it. For the time being, this exploration will be done by taking a step back to a time where I understood myself better and knew what I wanted to do with myself.
In the end, moving forward isn’t only a question of progress but it is, more importantly, about movement. Sometimes we need to take a step back to understand what the best steps are for the future.
I can’t say I’m entirely sure what I’ve gotten out of writing this. I’d like to think that the act of writing it has helped me to think more deliberately and that the process will help me to live more deliberately, but there’s a strong chance that this is just another burst of activity before I get tired. I wish I were more disciplined to say exactly what I want to do with myself and actively work more to get to that, but I’m not very confident about it.
For example…
Goal: Someday get a job where I get to do some sort of creative problem solving, story telling, or product management capability.
Complication: I’m not picky about what industry this would be in.
Priority: Work hard to develop relevant skills while I research and explore future prospects job experiences.
Plan of Action: Build a portfolio, do freelance jobs in different industries, and establish a network by reaching out to possible clients.
Action Taken: Netflix.
But this isn't at all what I want.
In a little bit more than a week, I'll be turning twenty years old... and I still don't know how to do what I want.
Here is what I am doing: I decided to take three classes this summer because I want to. I told my followers on Instagram that I intend to post art more frequently, so I'm hopefully going to be more accountable. I bought more art supplies that I've decided to use. I'm rewatching movies that I find particularly creative in order to remind myself of why I want to do what I want to do. I'm planning a trip abroad in order to push myself out of my comfort zone. I'm writing this blog post because I'm hoping that activity can become a trend in my life.
Now here's where it's becoming a real commitment: I'm going to share this with my friends on Facebook.
I'm sorry it's a mess. Sometimes you just have to push content out there into the abyss to feel like you're doing something with your life.